Performance Anxiety
Many of my clients struggle with performance anxiety. This type of anxiety can look like; premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, inability to ejaculate, vaginal dryness, pain during penetration, and avoidance of intimacy. Although these sexual dysfunctions and behaviors may seem hopeless, they are easier to treat than you may think. From my experience as long as there are no physiological issues, treating the individuals’ anxiety and decreasing relationship distress has helped my patients overcome their performance anxiety.
1. Mindfullness
Our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and physical sensations are all connected. Therefore, if you think you won’t be able to perform sexually your brain will look for evidence to reinforce that message. You may find yourself stuck in an anxiety loop which takes you out of your body. When you’re hyper-fixating on your sexual performance, you are sabotaging yourself. Instead, be fully present in the moment free of judgment. Focus on the sights and sounds of sex, engage your senses and remain curious. Sex is so much more than penetration. Continue to cultivate mindfulness outside of your erotic life. Being fully present in the moment is a skill you can hone through a variety of activities such as breathing exercises, journaling, or yoga. Having an established mindfulness routine can help mitigate the anxiety inhibiting your sex life.
2. Communicate
Trying to grapple with anxiety alone, especially when it pertains to a partnered activity, can be paralyzing. That’s why it can make a world of difference to be transparent about your feelings and experience with your partner(s). Perhaps there are certain boundaries or behaviors you can agree on that would ease some of the anxiety. Maybe you have a certain fantasy or kink you would like to explore but your feelings of shame are inhibiting you. Don’t let society dictate what is considered “normal” when it comes to your sexual interests. Your partner isn’t a mind reader so it is essential that we communicate what we like. Be vocal, this is the best way to get out of your head and into the moment. Tell your partner you love the way they smell, taste, or sound. Talking during intimacy can also spice things up and bring an element of playfulness to your intimacy.
3. Start Slow
Ease into sex, savoring each moment. Try taking a shower or bath with your partner before engaging in sexual intimacy. Soaking in a bath with your lover(s) is a great way to regulate your nervous system and increase oxytocin. Set the mood with soft lighting and relaxing music. You are creating a fantasy where you and your partner(s) get to leave the outside world behind. Start with an erotic massage engaging the senses through touch and scent by incorporating essential oils. Don’t be afraid to show your partner what type of touch you like. Guide their hand on your body embracing the mantra, “let me show you”. By allowing the body adequate time to switch into sexy mode, sexual dysfunction can decrease.
